My Observations:
"The Female Evil Gene Theory"
All women posses a common gene in their DNA. This is the "Evil Gene". The gene is present from birth, but remains dormant till around age 16. The gene matures at age around age 21. Few females studied have had a dormant gene much past that point. more info to follow....
Watch what they drink:
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's
personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they
concurred on almost all counts.
>The results:
>Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested,
she'll send YOU a drink......................
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with
>friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she
>has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
>totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing
>to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
>No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
>The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to
help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
LIT's or Heavy duty mixed drinks: He just wants to get drunk and will probably hook up with the floor before any women.
Shots: He wants to show off how much he can drink, before he gets laid, but will probably do something stupid and stop the guy with the best chances of getting laid with a drunken cock block.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress and or he thinks his dancing skills have greatly improved.
White Zinfandel: He's gay
MARKETING 101
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm
fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of
your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in
bed." That's Advertising.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your
tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her,
pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By
the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
The 30 Comandments...
1.) Thou shalt not rent chick flicks.
2.) Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
3.)
Some valuable terms to live by:
"Beer Goggles"
One's perception when under the influence of alcohol.
Often causes unattractive people to look hot, long
distances to look jumpable, and break dancing moves to
look easy.
"Beer Slut"
A woman at the party who will get on any guy who is
providing free beer.
"BFN"
Butt Fuck Nowhere - really far from anything remotely
reconizable. Also see "Guam"
'Booze Snooze"
A nap taken early in the afternoon to prepare for the
night's party, after you've already been drinking.
"Breaking the Seal"
Going to piss for the first time while drinking. Once
the seal is broken, restroom trips become much more
frequent.
"Butterface"
A girl who has a great body but not an attractive
face. Comes from...."Everything looks good on her,
BUT-HER-Face."
"Cock Block "
When one guy in a group interferes with another guy's
efforts to score.
"Deja Booty"
A situation in which an individual reunites with a
former fling in a seemingly random - and ironic twist
of fate.
"Dropping Ass"
An extremely violent bowel movement after a weekend
of bad bar food and beer. Usually following "Turtle heads poking, "prairie dogging" Also see: Dropping a Deux
"Fifteen Minute Rule"
If a professor is more than 15 minutes late, the
class may leave and not expect any repercussion. If
the class is taught by a TA, the time is shortened
considerably.
"Got Five On It " or "Quack Quack Seat Back"
A rule that allows an individual to leave his/her
seat in a room and return within five minutes and
still retain rights to sit there. Also see "Calling Dibs"
"Lightweight"
One who is unable to handle their alcohol.
"MDA (Mysterious Drinking Accident)"
What happens when you get drunk and hurt yourself in
some way, but don't remember it. Evidence of MDA's
include cuts and bruises and NO MEMORY how you got
them.
"Navy Seal"
When you have to pull a mission impossible because
your friend is hooking up with the cute girl, but they
brought the ugly girl. So you have to pull a Navy Seal
and take one for the team. See also "Jump On the
Gernade."
"Sausage Party"
A gathering of many more men than women.
"Setting the Pick"
This is when you employ a friend to stop someone from
approaching. For example, you see an old hook up
coming up to you at a party. They will certainly ruin
your current chances at nookie, so your friend
intercepts the old flame before they get to you. Of
coarse, you now owe your friend in return for the
favor.
"Slump Busting"
When you are in a slump; either academic, athletic,
or romantic, the sure fire cure is to go to the bar
and find the nastiest, fattest, most wretched woman
you can, take her home, and do the deed. Also known
as, "taking one for the team", "Hoggin", "Chubby chasing", and "Laying the Wood to a Fattie."
"The Stranger"
Sitting on your hand until it becomes numb, then
jerking off. If feels like someone else, "a stranger,"
is doing it for you.
"The Stranger-Ette"
Same as above, but paint your nails.
Summer Teeth (mostly in the rural south)
"That woman has summer teeth, "summer" there, some
ain't."
"Three Second Rule"
If a piece of food falls on the floor, one has three
seconds to retrieve it before it gets to dirty to eat.
Less than three seconds and the food in question is
safe to ingest.
"Ten Second Rule"
Drunk version of Three Second Rule.
"Walk of Shame"
The long, humiliating walk across campus in the same
thing that you had on last night after hooking up that
night.
"Wounded Soldier"
A full beer found when cleaning up the next day after
a party. Or an opened and untouched beer left to get warm.
The Beer Prayer:
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home, as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen
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